Deciding on Having a Baby After Trauma
Whether you are thinking about becoming a first-time parent as a survivor of sexual abuse, childhood trauma or traumatic event, or you’re thinking about expanding your family after the birth of your first child was traumatic, my hope is that this blog article will help you with your decision-making journey.
You may have heard that “nobody is truly ready to have a child”, and I agree; just when we think we’re 100% ready, we realize there is no way we could ever be (I remember when we brought our first child back from the hospital and set the carseat on the counter, my partner and I just looked at each other and said, in harmony “now what?”). But for trauma survivors, this hits differently. That’s because your decision-making process has been hijacked by trauma.
Big life decisions, such as to have a baby or not, are never easy. But when trauma is behind the steering wheel of the decision-making process, it can feel almost impossible to feel confident in such a decision. That’s because your nervous system is attempting to do its job: to keep you safe at all costs. If your nervous system is linking a future conception, pregnancy, childbirth or postpartum with a past trauma (whether you are aware of it or not), it will scream at you: DON’T GO THERE, DON’T DO IT!!
Even if you secretly want to be pregnant. Even if you secretly don’t really mind the IVF process. Even if you secretly don’t mind giving birth and being postpartum. Your body just won’t let you make an authentic decision. It also goes for the opposite: your body won’t let you say an authentic “no, I’m good”. I’ve helped hundreds of women achieve an authentic “yes” or their authentic “no” through EMDR therapy. Let me tell you what typically happens:
First, we find out what your body is trying to tell you and why it’s trying to deliver that message: “I’m unsafe”, “I’m not good enough”, “I should have done more”, “I must be perfect” are some examples of what the EMDR world calls “negative cognitions”. It’s basically what your nervous system is holding on to, what it is trying really hard to make you avoid feeling. With EMDR, we uncover how you have come to learn these negative cognitions.
Second, we release the traumas fueling your negative cognitions: we want your nervous system stop trying so hard to make you avoid feeling those things by getting you to feel internal safety.
Third, we desensitize your nervous system to your future challenge: conception itself? pregnancy? childbirth? postpartum? We get you ready to face your challenges with internal safety so when the time comes, your nervous system doesn’t feel like the rug has been pulled from under you.
If you’re a resident of Ottawa, Embrun, or anywhere in Ontario or Quebec, I invite you to schedule your free consultation so that we can discuss if EMDR therapy is the path for you.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW
