The Terrible Two Phase is Real: How to Manage It
This period is rough for any parent of toddlers - but for parents with childhood trauma, it’s a whole other ball game.
It’s one thing to understand the science behind why toddlers have a short fuse, scream, cry, yell, and defy their parents, but it’s another to actually feel like we’re on the right track as parents. And when emotional neglect in childhood is something that we as parents have experienced, the Terrible Two period can be one of the roughest period because we may be stuck thinking: I don’t want to act like my own mom/dad, but I find myself yelling back or acting aggressively.
If this is you keep reading; you can get out of that place and feel in alignment with your parenting values. Because when we respond to meltdowns and tantrums in a way that connects with what neuroscience says about nervous systems, you can see a decrease in frequency + duration of metldowns/tantrums over time AND feel more confident in your parenting skills. Everybody wins.
So what does neuroscience say about the Terrible Twos and parents with childhood trauma who are trying the best they can to break the cycle while trying to hold on to their sanity?
To put it simply, your toddler loses their (already very limited) capacity to rationalize because they are losing touch with their pre-frontal cortex (or logical thinking brain). The survival brain has taken centre stage, where we go into fight/flight/freeze/fawn. If your toddler is screaming, kicking, and throwing things, it’s sign they are most likely in the “fight” mode.
Here is a list of things I do not recommend you do in the moment:
Try to teach a new skill. Example: “Let’s stop to look at our hand and breathe while going up and down each finger!” You may just get slapped in the face for trying to pull that off, your kid isn’t ready yet.
Give a lecture: Your toddler can’t even hear you properly in this moment.
Punish: Your toddler is doing something they can’t help, which is developmentally appropriate. Even if your kid logically knows not to bite, scream, or hit: they CAN’T ACCESS the part of their brain that holds all of this information! Plus punishments don’t teach how to safely BE with big emotions. It only teaches that big emotions are not welcome and possibly dangerous because they result in a disconnection from safe adults.
Withhold favourite toy/things or to use threats: It may snap your kid out of the meltdown/tantrum in the moment, but chances are you will cause a 2nd meltdown/tantrum on top of the 1st one. If this doesn’t happen and you’re like “hey this works”, wait a second. It’s not because something SEEMS to work on the outside that it’s actually working on the inside. Kids who grow up with the association that big emotions = something I love will get taken away from me risk walking on eggshells around you and carry anxiety longterm (sound familiar?).
The trend where you shout a random name while your kid is dysregulating: Shouting “SUSAN!” in your home (even though there isn’t any Susan in your home) sounds funny to most adults because their crying child becomes stunned and puts a stop to their dysregulation, but this doesn’t actually help. Your toddler is just that, stunned. They need your help to safely stay present in their body while dealing with the new sensation of big emotions.
Ignoring: It causes confusion so intense that it can completely overwhelm your child’s nervous system, which can lead to a shut down. On the outside, it appears that your child has calmed down and dealt with their big emotions on their own. But on the inside, your child gave up trying to connect. They are learning that their parents cannot be trusted with their big emotions, so they shut down because they haven’t learned the skill of self-regulation through co-regulation.
As a trauma therapist and mom of 2, I totally get how you just want to survive and have a break from the constant overstimulation. But the thing is, we’ve made parenting through the Terrible Two period of life way more complicated than it needs to be.
Here is what I recommend you do during the metldowns/tantrums, which respects what neuroscience teaches us about the nervous system:
Regulate your nervous system PROACTIVELY: Don’t wait until your kid is throwing their plate on the wall to start on your favourite grounding technique. It’s already too late. Chances are you’ve probably entered your own fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode.
Keep using grounding techniques DURING the metldown/tantrum.
Co-regulate with your child until the meltdown/tantrum is over (this can take a while).
If your child is being aggressive around younger siblings or if the behaviour can become dangerous to those around them: Contain safely while maintaining the connection so co-regulation can still happen. Choose a safe room in your home where there is limited stimulation, bring your child there, say “I’m right here, I’ll come in when you’re calmer” while using the door as a shield to protect yourself (without closing the door entirely). If your child closes the door themselves that’s ok, just stay close by. Check in on your child to make sure they aren’t hurting themselves. Keep the connection by calmly saying “words of connection”, like “I’m right here”, “It’s ok”. When your child has stopped their potentially dangerous behaviour, it’s sign to go in the room gently to sit on the floor and offer a hug.
When your child is visibly out of their survival mode and has entered their emotional brain: ask them what happened there. If it’s tough for your child to tell you verbally, non-judgementally label the possible emotions they were going through. Offer empathy, even if they did something you don’t want them to do ever again. Then teach the new skill.
Remember that even though your child logically knows not to do unwanted behaviours, it’s still going to take lots of practice to connect the information stored in the logical thinking brain to their big emotions. After all, even us as adults can’t always do that consistently!
Co-regulation, with time, serves not only to teach kids how to be with their big emotions in a healthy way, but you can also see a decrease in frequency and duration of meltdowns/tantrums. Also, you will be able to notice a shift in YOU. More patience, more inner safety.
Because to co-regulate effectively also means you have been re-wiring your own nervous system. You had to learn that your screaming child isn’t your screaming alcoholic father or mentally unstable mother.
I’ve helped hundreds of parents achieve just that for themselves with EMDR therapy. You’re absolutely not a lost cause - help is here for residents of Ottawa, Embrun and anywhere in Ontario and Quebec areas. Schedule your free consultation today.
Danik Bernier, MSW, RSW
